(Here is some old shit from a blog I used to have that I wrote last year about the Finals and Phil Jackson. I thought it was pretty funny, so I just figured that I would repost it here, seeing how Phil pissed me off again today. Here we go:)
PART ONE: Original post date of June 10,2004:
Hello, my name is Phil Jackson. I used to play basketball, just another one of your typical mediocre white guys that really only got anywhere because I was tall. That was my claim to fame - my height, and also my hair style - everyone loves a great looking jerry curl and all. Well, now that I am on the verge of winning my NBA record tenth Championship, I thought I would share with you, dear readers, how it was that I even got into coaching in the first place. As far as I can remember, it went a little something like this.... Man, I miss basketball. Being alone all the time with this zen buddism crap is really boring if you have no one to share it with. I mean, yoga is great and all, but seriously - I miss the game of basketball and really want to get involved again. I have been told before that maybe I should try coaching, but I am too afraid of failure. I mean, Buddha never lost so why should I subject myself to that type of torture? It just wouldn't be fair to take over a losing team trying to rebuild and go nowhere with them. I am too spiritual for such an endeavor, meaning I am above that. If only Buddha himself would send me a sign, give me some wisdom to get out of this darkness that I find myself in.... (IN THE DISTANCE A PHONE RINGS, PHIL ANSWERS) Hey there Michael Jordan, how you doing? Me, pretty okay, just finished my daily routine of yoga and green tea, now I am about to go meditate for awhile. What's that you say MJ, you like me and want me to be your coach? The greatest player on the planet wants me to be his coach, is that what you said your Airness? Wonderful, where do I sign on? Great, see you in the morning. I can't believe it, any monkey could coach MJ - all I got to do is figure out and offense where everyone stands around and watches him play. Somewhat triangular, if you will, in shape and form. That's it - the triangle offense I will call it! Give the ball to MJ, everyone else watches and BAM - I have three rings under my belt! What's that Mr. NBA Commissioner David Stern, MJ has been caught gambling and you have to suspend him for a couple years? You can't suspend His Airness, it would ruin the game and the NBA's image. MJ is the NBA - if you suspend him it would kill the NBA and you know it! Instead let's just say he is "retiring" and let him do something else for a couple years, like baseball! He could play for the White Sox farm team - who is owned by the Bulls and no one would suspect a thing. He won't make it, he will definitely suck at baseball, and then in two years he will just "unretire" and come back to the Bulls. How about that, no damage done and you will get His Airness back in a couple years to rule the NBA and make you millions again! Sound good? Great, let's do it! Wow, MJ is back, GREAT!!!! Look, three more rings - GREAT!!!! What is that MJ, you really are retiring this time? Well, thanks for the six rings, but I guess I will retire too - I am not good enough to coach without you. BYE-BYE Chicago, it has been fun - but I can't coach without a superstar, I am really not that good. See you around!! Later I will get into what it was like to retire and why I came back for more. Until next time, everyone's favorite Lil' Buddha with the jerry curl - PJ. ( Like how I call myself PJ, sorta like me and MJ are almost "Buddha Buddies" or something!)
PART TWO: Original post date of June 11, 2004:
Hello again basketball lovers, it is I the Zen Master here returning to you today to finish my tale. I said I would and I am making good on my word. The key to spiritualism is never saying anything that contains no meaning. Therefore, I said I would finish my tale and therefore I fully intend to. Let me see, where was I - oh yes, retirement. Well, to be honest with you it was quite boring. Yoga and green tea can only hold your interest for so long, know what I mean? I tried coming up with a new offensive scheme, but the hexagon offense just didn't flow as smoothly as the triangle. That idea was scraped, so I started organizing my Buddha statues by height and belly roundness, but that only kept me occupied for a month. People were telling me to try something new, you know, coach a perennial losing team and rebuild it and make it a contender. I laughed at the idea, that would mean doing actual coaching, teaching and work. I mean, get real people - I am not that good of a coach. I only know how to take a team that has superstars, let the superstars do all the work, and then I sit back and get called one of the greatest coaches of all time. Rebuilding? Never, that is not in my vocabulary. I only believe in taking a team that is already spiritually sound and getting all the accolades for winning a championship with it. There is no way, no how, that I would take over a loser - Buddha wasn't a loser, so why should I be? But what to do? MJ is gone, although he is entertaining a come back with the Wizards. But I can't coach that team, even with MJ they are not going to have a chance in hell. But I do miss coaching, what should I do? (AGAIN, A PHONE RINGS IN THE BACKGROUND) Hello? Hey Shaq, how you doing? Yeah, tough break, you and that young guy, Kobe, came close this year but fell a little short. What is that you say? You and Kobe, who is about to be in his prime and become a superstar, like me? Come again, you want me to be your coach? Get out!!!! Where do I sign up for that gig? Great, see you tomorrow! Well, look at that - Buddha must be smiling on me today. Can you believe it, this is amazing. First MJ, now Kobe and Shaq Diesel? Does it get any better than this? I don't think so, my little buddha buddies! And look at that, a three peat - and I didn't even have to break a sweat! That is great, I am awesome. I don't even have to coach, all I do is tell my team to get the ball to the superstars and I win. Man, am I a genius or what? Well, got to go, I am about to go to the finals and try for my NBA record tenth ring. What is that, I have to play the Pistons? The same Pistons that have always been a thorn in my side from day one? Come on, give me another team to play - especially one without Larry Brown, now that man is a great coach. Well, let's see what happens. (SIDE NOTE OF EDITORS - Phil Jackson sucks, he is a lucky man who only coaches superstars and I am glad the Pistons are going to stop him from getting a tenth ring he doesn't deserve. GO PISTIONS and FEAR THE FRO - you can take that Buddha shit and shove it up Phil Jackson's dumb ass!)
PART THREE: Original post date of June 16, 2004:
Well, I know this blog is suppose to be funny. Well, at least that is how I look at it anyway. But I would just like to take the moment to honor the first five game sweep in NBA finals history. Congrats to my home town team, the Detroit Pistons - your 2004 NBA Champs! Could it be any better? Seriously, the little team that couldn't did - and did so by spanking those little bitches from LAH-LAH land. Folks, I say five game sweep because you take away a miracle shot in the last seconds of game two - a shot that never should have taken place - and we won every quarter, every minute, every second of every game. People of the world - the Pistons are the best team in a long time, and TEAM is the key word for those guys. Congrats! The biggest satisfaction to me though is the fact that we, the Detroit Pistons, stopped Phil Jackson from getting a ring he didn't deserve. You think Red Auerbach is sending some of those cigars to Detroit this morning? Damn straight! Much respect, because we earned it, we fought for it, we wanted it and we BETTER get it! Sorry Phil, but you really just aren't that good! Lastly, I know I am probably jumping the gun here, but I am going to put it in writing first - the Pistons WILL - that is right - WILL repeat next year. I am a history buff by nature, and back in 1989 there was a little thing called the expansion draft that took place after they won their first title. The new team then - the Minnesota Timberwolves, an animal. The new team this year - the Charlotte Bobcats, also an animal. The Pistons of 1989 lost Rick Mahorn to the T-Wolves, although I believe he chose to retire or not play for them. The Pistons of 2004 are going to lose someone, most likely Elden Campbell or Corliss Williamson ( although I hope not the BIG NASTY - we will miss him too much! ). The point is, history has a way of repeating itself and I think these guys will come out next year and want to prove to everyone that it was NOT a fluke. With all the similarities to the two teams and all the history that is similar as well, it will happen. Ladies and gentlemen, you heard it here first - your 2005 NBA Champs - BACK TO BACK - the Detroit Pistons. GOIN' TO WORK - FEAR THE FRO - GO PISTONS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(That is the end, more to come later and godspeed - the sports dude!)
Luke Waltons Forehead presented by the Sports Dude.
Friday, November 12, 2004 at 9:04 AM
Here is some old shit....
Muff said...
Man, this post is really getting that laugh-out-loud response in with your witty satire and good natured poke-funnery. I wish I could call your humor "luke-warm", but would be an insult to broken coffeepots everywhere. If you're going to devote page after page to bland pointlessness, I think Willard Scott needs some jelly jokes.
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the sports dude said...
Hey, thanks for the comment. Also enjoyed the "luke-warm" line in reference to the name of my blog, I appreciate your sense of wit and humor. Seeing how I am a simple man with a simple brain, I am not sure if it was all complimentary or if there were insults in there as well! Either way I am glad that there is a reader that is not myself and someone, finally, posted a comment. Please enjoy the site, enjoy the posts, and always check back for more "bland" humor, I am full of it. I do love coffee, however, so my apologies go out to the broken coffee pots everywhere. Unfortunately, I can not be held responsible for things broken while reading my blog, you are on your own for that one buddy! Thanks for reading and please, come back for more - just put the coffee down first, my friend!
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the sports dude said...
Well, unfortunately for me, I missed step 1 and 2 in the rules of blogging hand book. I did, however, remember step three, making sure that there are dick weasals out there like you to post awesome comments on my site. Little do you know, I know Willard Scott and he is a decent fellow. He too thinks that I should give up blogging all together, but the response I get from people like you makes it all worth while to keep going. Either way, you also forgot step 4:
No matter what you say, dick weasals who are just as pathetic as you will still take minutes out of there shitty lives to read your posts and make lame ass comments about them. Because they too are just as lame and pathetic as you and also missed out on steps 1 and 2.
Also, don't forget step 5 - sharing that rope with the dumb asses who insult your blog.
Have a good day and god bless all our loser souls!
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