Luke Waltons Forehead presented by the Sports Dude.

Dear Sparty –

First I just wanted to write and offer my condolences and remorse for what has been a tragic season for you. I know it is not easy being on the top suddenly, especially when no one expected it, and then suddenly you fall from grace faster than a ton of bricks. We here in Ann Arbor are used to success, we are used to being at the top, that is why we feel for your pain right now, we can understand what it must be like for you. I mean, come on, you have to admit it tasted sweet, didn’t it? The media hype, being the media darlings, being the offense no one could stop, even your QB was suddenly on the Heisman Watch List! In fact you were even favored going into our rivalry game that October 1st afternoon, something that had not happened in that rivalry since the advent of the light bulb! Do you remember how it felt, how it tasted, how the air felt so much crisper to breathe? Go on, close your eyes for a second and reminisce, grab hold of that feeling and try to bring it to the field with you this Saturday because you need it now more than ever. You can feel that way once again, your season will again have meaning, all it takes is one simple victory this Saturday and you will be bowl eligible, you will be the talk of the Big Ten and yes you, not us Wolverines, will again be the most popular team in Michigan Collegiate Football.

See, we here in Ann Arbor are about to do you a favor, so we need you to do us one in return. See, it was not us that ruined your season; it was those hated Buckeyes that flattened your tires this year! Remember, it was you who were dominating that game earlier in the year against OSU, you owned them in the first half, easily forgetting about the loss to us and focusing your anger on the Buckeyes. Then it happened – the blocked field goal that was returned for a TD, essentially sucking all the life out of not only you in that game, but apparently for the season as well. See, it is OSU that is to blame for your 4-1 start turning into a 1-4 finish to this point and that is where our favor to you comes into play here Sparty. See, as always is our fashion here in Ann Arbor, we close out the season against the Neanderthals that are more commonly known as Buckeyes this Saturday and we would like to repay them for ruining your season. Just so you know, contrary to popular belief, there is really only one game we want you Spartans to lose every year and that is obviously when you play us. I mean, no offense, I hope you understand, but we truly want you to win the rest of your games! That is why, as a token of gratitude and sportsmanship, we extend to you the favor of ripping the Buckeyes a new “buckeye” this weekend, if you get my drift, all we ask in return is one small simple favor from you – beat the Nittany out of those damn Lions! Or beat the happy out of the valley, which ever you choose, just please beat something out of them!

You see, remember how I spoke to you in the opening paragraph, about wanting to be the most popular College Football Team in Michigan again, you can do that, all you need to do is beat Penn State. Do that and not only will your fans be celebrating but Wolverine fans everywhere will also join in and burn couches, side by side, with their fellow Spartans. It will be a perfect “Nirvana” for everyone, unity and peace and tranquility and again you will feel like you were on top of the world! Just like you did on October 1st, just like you did when you were the darlings of ESPN and just like you did when Stanton was the poster boy for the Heisman! Furthermore, with the victory, not only will you bring about said “Nirvana” to the state of Michigan, you will also receive (as a nice consolation prize!) the opportunity to represent your fine University in the Motor City Bowl at Ford Field. I know, you may think that the M.C.B. is a slap in the face, but let me put it to you this way, there has been no real “home team” there all season, and you would be the first and by far the most exciting! Just think of it, the first actual “home team” to play a game in Ford Field, the Lions have yet to show up yet since it has opened. For sure, anyway, you would be the most impressive offensive “home team” that Ford Field has ever seen, maybe you could even teach the Lions a thing or two… or 3 or 4 or 5… you get the point! But I don’t think that favor is too much to ask, do you?

If all those other things don’t work, how about this – you beat Wisconsin last year for us, why not Penn State this year? I mean, it can’t be personal, we beat you last year and you did us a favor, so you can’t use that as an excuse! Think it over, let me know, and you better hold up your end of the bargain because our game is played before yours. So we expect you, after we come thru with our promise, to keep up your end of the stick.

Thanks in advance and here is to the long awaited coming of “Nirvana”,

Sincerely – the sports dude.